What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
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NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.