Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
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i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My Sentiments Exactly
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”