Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
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It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
me refusing to leave twitter
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.