[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
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Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.