[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Does your wife know you’re single?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Poetry is my passion
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.