Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
You Might Also Like
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Is this the real life?
Is this just
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!