My kitchen overserved me.
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How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Effort made
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
scares
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors