“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them