Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
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I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.