I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
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PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.