me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
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ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
lol
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”