It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
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celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.