When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
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Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
no such thing as a dumb question
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan