Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
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It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
At least he brought enough for everyone
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something