Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
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♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Happy Thanksgiving
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.