“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
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There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.