8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
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[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
an airline just for babies.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
The funk soul brother
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.