“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
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One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Remember folks 😂
❤️🦆
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Childbirth is so beautiful
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks