I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
You Might Also Like
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Just a reminder, folks:
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤