A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I don鈥檛 want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I鈥檓 way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
鈿笍馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛
馃煝鈿笍鈿笍馃煛鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煝
馃煣鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
鈿笍馃煝馃煛鈿笍馃煣
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍鈿笍
鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煛馃煝
馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煣鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煝not wordle, just some fried rice 鈽猴笍
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad