M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
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My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.