When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
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My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.