Delightful if true: booby trap.
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I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
a lot to unpack here
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.