Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
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There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.