They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
You Might Also Like
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
This meal prepping shit easy
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
🙀🙀🙀😹
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”