Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
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I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.