馃槀馃槶
You Might Also Like
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Schr枚dinger: How鈥檚 my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we鈥檙e descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they鈥檒l panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you鈥檙e a confident liar
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn鈥檛 floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir