I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
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Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree