“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
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Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back