5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
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I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.