Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My Sentiments Exactly
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Life cycle of cat
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*