Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.