Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on