Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
You Might Also Like
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Finally, an explanation.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.