“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.