Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
You Might Also Like
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm