*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
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I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit