Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
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“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you