Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.