Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.