‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.