Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
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[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
A short story about romance.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.