Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
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Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!