[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
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“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.