[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS