Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right