CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.