Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
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Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
concern
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…