Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Lmfao
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
*bites zombie*
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation