Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
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“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.